The pendulum of self-pride and self-punishment
For some of
us the pendulum swings from pride to self-loathing, making it hard to know
whether we love or hate ourselves. When we accomplish something, we are happy
with ourselves. But when others criticize or judge us, we also self-berate. Sometimes
this self-hating can even come without any apparent instigation. We just can’t
help but fault-find within. This is all tied up with the ego, our lower, baser
nature, the immature part of us that thinks it is the centre of the universe. When
walking a spiritual path, transcending the ego is central. On this path pride
is seen as an enemy for it is arises out of an over-glorification of the ego.
The noble soul, on the other hand, is humble. But when one is centred in their
ego but aiming at humility, this objective itself can lead to self-loathing. If
I’m trying to overcome pride, I might think I need to tear down the self
through disapproval of it. But the spiritual path is one of love, not hate. Just
as excessive pride is the sign of an enlarged ego, self-loathing is too, especially
when the result of feeling hurt by others. This hurt also arises out of
excessive ego. So, to still this pendulum, we need to diminish the grip the ego
has on us, and this is done out of love, not loathing.